Let it Go

It’s been three months since I wrote my kick in the butt post and I feel it’s time for a check in to see how everyone is doing with their self-butt kicking.  I’ve heard from so many folks how that post hit a nerve—in a good way.  Well, that just makes my little old heart swell.  I believe it’s so important to reflect on our life and take inventory on how we are doing.

So, how are we doing?  Since my own New Year’s Eve butt kick motivational speech, I’ve been trying to focus on happiness and letting things go.  Yes, I am going to say it.  Let it Go!  (Cue parents everywhere covering their ears and cringing).   As my One Hot Mess Alaska Blogger friend Libby refers to her, “That bitch Elsa,” has a good point.  I hear from so many friends that they just have too much going on.  Between jobs, kids, commitments, appointments, and life, we just don’t seem to have any time to breathe.  I look at my friends and they all look so tired and worn out— sorry friends, but it’s true.  It looks like they’ve been hit by a bus, or hit a bus. 

Speaking of hitting buses, a few months ago, I did just that.  Yes, I plowed my SUV mom-mobile right into a parked school bus.  Granted I was going under five miles an hour, but I somehow managed to total my car. I don’t know what happened other than I got vertigo, started seeing double and drove for a mile and a half pretty much unconscious before I snapped out of it and convinced myself it would be a good idea to pull over— right into a school bus.  I actually said out loud and very matter-of-fact to Aurelia, “Oh, look at that, momma hit a bus.”  In her head, I’m sure Aurelia said, “No shit, Sherlock,” because that’s the type of thing my five-year old would say if allowed.

I spent the day in the ER while the doctors tested me for strokes, MS, and cancer; and the police tested me for alcohol and uncontrolled substances.  Cause you know, the first thing I do every morning is wash my crack down with a bottle of Crown before driving my kids to school.  After having me stand on one foot while looking up and counting backwards by seven, mind you I find these tasks difficult while sober, they failed me and went straight to the blood test.  Negative. Take that coppers.  No one could find anything wrong with me, but I had a hunch what was going on.

The night before the incident, I was lying in bed envying celebrities who check into hospitals for exhaustion.  How awesome would that be? Someone would bring me food.  I wouldn’t have to make it, I wouldn’t have to serve it, I wouldn’t have to jump up ten times during eating it to get someone more milk or stand guard in the bathroom enforcing hand washing after toilet use.  I would be oh so polite and say “please” and “thank you” and “this tastes amazing” as I eat my instant butterscotch pudding IN BED while watching Judge Judy.  For a girl who has spent a lot of time in hospitals, it’s not a good sign when you start to wish you could rest in one.

Simply put, I was drained and I needed to slow down.  Between one full-time job, one part-time job, being a single-mom of two active girls, and wrestling with my Type-A personality which is always trying to please, I had shifted into overdrive and burned out.

Where is that balance of getting done what absolutely needs to get done and letting go of the extras while still finding time to enjoy life?  This equation is a difficult one for me to solve and I’m always open to ideas.  I have found meditation really helps me.  I find it very hard to press the mute button on my overactive Type-A brain.  My mind wanders like crazy from “What I am going to eat for lunch” to “Did she really say her cousin was in prison” to “Was that tumble weed or a giant fur ball that just scurried across the floor” to “Man, I need to brush the dog” to “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a maid” to “No, no, if I could have one splurge, I’d prefer a live-in massage therapist” to “Why are my eyes open” to “Let it go and just breathe!”

I can last anywhere from 5-20 minutes and over time; I’ve become better at shutting my brain off.  I tell myself, “That’s nice, move on.”  I don’t get frustrated at my random thoughts anymore and once I can acknowledge and dismiss them, I can go back to concentrating on breathing.  What a difference it makes.  My head is clearer and I can be productive without feeling overwhelmed.  Just like appointments and meetings, I schedule in time to meditate and do things I enjoy.

I also have to say no a lot more, which can be very difficult, but it has improved my life tenfold.  Saying no can be so hard when you want to be a pleaser, which I always do.  But there comes a point where saying yes to everything takes a toll on your body mentally and physically.  Most of the time, it’s not even the act of saying the word “no”, it’s just the act of not volunteering and saying “yes” which as it turns out, is totally okay to do.  Someone recently told me if they didn’t volunteer to be the chair of a committee, no one would and the whole thing would fail.  I told them, “So it fails.”  Yeah, it would suck, but eventually, someone else may step in and fill those shoes if they deem it important.  I told my friend if it’s causing him that much stress, then he’s probably not being affective at it and it’s not worth it to always feel bad or guilty for not giving 100%.  Let it go.

I also make sure to listen to plenty of music and get outside as much as possible.  Sometimes it’s just stepping outside and sitting on my porch with Yasha the wonder dog after I’ve put the girls to bed.  Yasha is an excellent listener and sometimes she will even let me lay my head on her and use her as a pillow as I gaze up at the stars.  From my porch we’ve seen the northern lights, shooting stars, goats on the mountain, porcupines scurrying across the road, and seals playing in the channel.  All things I’d be too busy to notice if I was too busy to stop and breathe.

I’m also a big believer in keeping your heart young.  Which reminds me, *shameless plug* I’m singing at the Alaska Folk Festival on Sunday April 12^th at 8 PM.  Coincidentally, one of the songs I’ll be singing is Brandi Carlile’s, “Keep Your Heart Young.”

Remember; secure your own air mask before assisting others around you.  If you don’t take care of yourself first, everything else goes to hell in a handbasket.

P.S.- Lena's Birthday is Saturday.  She has a class party on Friday, a family dinner/celebration on Friday night, and a kid birthday on Saturday.  I am making ONE cake.  Hear that universe?  One freaking cake.  Dixie cup ice cream for the class, cupcakes made by a dear friend for Friday night, and ONE single layer (no boats this time) cake by me.  See, I'm letting it go.